Noise in the Shape of Writing

...but not for me. Turns out the gal who's the star of my sketch last night got a call for an audition during rehearsal and so they had to scrap her sketch... MY (sob, whimper) sketch. Ah well, I can't blame her. We're all biding our time, working on that show for free hoping to get discovered.

Yeah right. Like writers ever get discovered. I think there's more of a chance that my childhood fantasy of being niticed on the street and being cast in a big budget film has a better chance of coming true than any writers dream I've ever had.

Not sure where my fantasy involving Sara Silverman ranks in that list.

It's so weird to hear the head of National Lampoon referred to as a CEO. How can you be funny if you accept the title CEO? How can you even manage people who are supposedly funny? If I had a funny company (a company that made with the funny, not a company that was in itself hilarious, which is most of the ones I have worked at) I would not let anyone go above "secretary". Yeah. Secretary of Funny is about the highest rank I'd allow. Maybe Grand Poobah, but probably Secretary. Cause that's a funny word... secretary.

At any rate, the CEO of National Lampoon is coming to see the show Thursday, along with his entire writing staff, supposedly. This cannot be good. I was originally eagerly anticipating the Nat Lam coming to our show to see my stuff. I thought maybe they were looking for writers. Now I am skeptical about this thing. Really, why on earth would you send your writers go to see a show that you were hoping to hire the writers from? I don't think you would. I think you'd send your writing team to get used to some potential actors you might be thinking of hiring, and perhaps a director.

I never used to read the Lampoon. When I was of a Mad Magazine readin age, the Lampoon was just a bit too ironic for me. Yes, I know.. Pat not into the ironic? I was young! Beat heck, even Mad was a bit too pedestrian. I was stuck between pedestrian and ironic, so I turned to making my own magazines (fanzines) at school. Naughty stuff, but that's what 11 year old boys are into. (Makes me fear for my daughter in a year and a half!... oh my god! it's only a year and a half away!)

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that the National Lampoon is sending out scouts or agents or something to tonights Big News show and (ahem) my sketch was chosen as the lead-in sketch for the show. Hell yeah! Could I design Cruise Catalogs by day and write for the Lampoon at night? Hell yeah!

Here's my sketch. Wish me luck tonight.

Hell yeah!

- - - -- - -- - - - - - - - - - - -

“Waiting for FEMA”
©2005 Pat Mannion

INT – FEMA AGENCY — DAY

A Katrina Victim and her son approach a claims agent in a FEMA office. Behind them, a number of other sad looking victims line the walls.

KATRINA VICTIM
You be strong, Jason. Everything’s gonna be just fine. The good people at FEMA are going to get us a BETTER house.

JASON
I know, mommy. I trust the federal government.

KATRINA VICTIM
That’s my boy! Oh, It’s our turn –

FEMA AGENT
Hi! Welcome to FEMA ma’am.

KATRINA VICTIM
Thank you. You see, our house in New Orleans was completely –

FEMA AGENT
Excuse me, do you have a number?

KATRINA VICTIM
A what? No you see, we have nothing! It was all washed away and my son –

FEMA AGENT
Well, you just need a number so that we can process you in the right order.

KATRINA VICTIM
But my son has asthma –

FEMA AGENT
Ma’am, we at FEMA care greatly about your plight and offer our utmost condolences. But we ARE running a little behind on staff and resources, so I’ll need you to take a number. There are a few people ahead of you --

KATRINA VICTIM
Okay, thank you!

FEMA AGENT
Very well. (to the room) Mister Johnson?

A bedraggled man steps away from the back wall.

FEMA AGENT
FEMA extends its utmost condolences at your current plight and regrets any suffering caused by (reading) “Hurricane Andrew”.

MR JOHNSON
Thank you. Oh! I can FINALLY get some real food!

KATRINA VICTIM
See, Jason? There are many other people in trouble. We can wait our turn like any other.

JASON
I know momma.

FEMA AGENT
Mrs. O’Leary?

A lady dressed from the 19th century (or just in a dress) approaches.

MRS O’LEARY
Oh, thank you! Thank you for finally addressing our woes! The Great Fire of Chicago took everything we had!

KATRINA VICTIM
I’m sorry. The Chicago fire? Of 1871?

FEMA AGENT
Please, ma’am. (to Mrs. O’Leary) I – I understand, Mrs. O’Leary.

MRS O’LEARY
It wasn’t my fault, you see. The fire just spread like the dickens –

FEMA AGENT
Our utmost condolences at your current plight. Here’s fifty dollars.

MRS O’LEARY
(angry) Fifty dollars! Fifty dollars! (ecstatic) Oh my god! I could buy Chicago!

FEMA AGENT
Yes. Next?

MISS PLYMPTON
Our people were shot mercilessly as the Indians poured out of the Appalachians. They burned Jonestown to the ground. The colony lies in ruin!

FEMA AGENT
(handing over beads or blankets instead of money) Miss Plympton, FEMA cares greatly about –

MISS PLYMPTON
Oh, the heathens! Thank you!

KATRINA VICTIM
Excuse me, sir. I may not be well schooled, but I believe the Jonestown Massacre was almost 400 year ago.

FEMA AGENT
I told you ma’am. We are EXTREMELY understaffed.

A man with smoking hair or a blackened face approaches quickly.

BURNING MAN
The fires that tore through Los Angeles as the molten lava flowed down Wilshire toward that little boy.

FEMA AGENT
We at FEMA understand you’ve been through a lot, sir.

KATRINA VICTIM
That was in a movie. I saw that! That’s not even a real emergency.

FEMA AGENT
Ma’am. You have to wait your turn.

Princess Leia enters.

PRINCESS LEIA
They just blew up our entire planet. Alderaan is NO MORE!

FEMA AGENT
The Empire was just trying to root out insurgents like any good government. Still, we feel your plight.

KATRINA VICTIM
That’s a movie too!

JASON
That was a cool scene! They totally blew that planet up!

KATRINA VICTIM
I demand service! We are a FAMILY without a HOME!

FEMA AGENT
Alright! Unless there’s ANYONE left who needs emergency assistance, I am going to help this lady here and her dying son.

A well-dressed man runs in, out of breath.

MICHAEL BROWN
Excuse me -- my name is Michael Brown. I recently lost my job and I was wondering if you could help me out.

FEMA AGENT
(after a pregnant pause) FEMA offers its utmost condolences and cares greatly about your plight. We can offer you a job in –

(FADE OUT)

(sorry, couldn't get the circumflex on that e)

So, here's a question of a deep and impactful nature -- especially for us West Coast trendsetters...
Do you all tip your boba makers? I mean, it's $3.50... and who tips for ice cream, which is a similar situation and price... but here's this tiny girl working her ass off for 10 minutes to make me this delicous tapioca and frozen milk concoction and I'm thinking a buck or two just seems right. $3.50 is still quite the deal afterall.

Still, I'll be damned if I'm gonna give that snot nosed brat at Cold Stone a buck.

Okay, life goal number 3... check.
Yessir. Um, that's definitely a big old check in the life goal column.

(Allow me to take you on a journey) So Saturday night at around 11:30pm I got to do something I have always dreamed of. I got to perform "Sweet Transvestite". In full regalia. For a room full of friends. The friends part was never a mandatory element of this particular life goal, but I think it helped cause that would have been slightly more embarrasing in front of a paying crowd. But only slightly.

Was it farcical?
Embarrasing for all?
Over the top?
Scary to behold?

Yes, yes, yes, god yes (I imagine... I haven't seen any uncensored photos yet).

It was for a joint bachelor/bachelorette party and you don't get any better excuse than that to dress in fishnets. Will you ever get to see the photos? Will you ever see repeat performance? Who played Brad and Janet?

Bwah ha ha ha! I can see you shiver with antici--

Alright, is it me or has the world just gotten more foul mouthed lately? Not just on TV or film cause that's old news. I mean just regular old people... associates... friends... and especially coworkers!
Seriously, at my last three jobs, it seems like everyone from the receptionist all the way up to bosses and managers and above. It's like "fuck" is the new "dude". People who I would normally expect to cringe at the word "damn" are now regularly using "fuck" and "shit".
Am I the prude? I pride myself on not using such language in the office or even with friends. Really, think back and you'll not recall me ever swearing (ok, the wife probably remebers a lot of it). Now I don't know where to expect it next. I mean, I have seriously noticed a MAJOR rise in caca dooty mouths over the past half year. Like, across the spectrum. Whether mad or just chatting, people are swearing a blue streak these days.
Mild mannered people are the new punks. It's like they're rising up through colorful language alone. It makes me so mad I could... I won't say it.

I'm sure you are wondering what the host did at his own con. Did he learn new games? Was he responsible for half the empty bottles in the recycling bin? Did he have to break out the steamcleaner? Well, here's a partial list of what I did

* Played umpteen games of table tennis with Bino -- all of them between the hours of 4am and 5am. I never got to do the tournament I had hoped, but I am pretty sure I ended up playing all the best players at some point (Prime, Bino, Mike N).

* Ran my anual tentacle porn RPG session. I always feel aprehensive.. like maybe this time someone will say I have gone too far. I pushed the line pretty hard this time by having the players be toddlers and learn their first dirty words, but I am happy cause it passed my one test: I wanted it to be raunchy enough that we could still enjoy ourselves with double entendres even if Tanya were to walk into the room... which she did.

* Played WEREWOLF, making sure to talk a lot so that when I was the werewolf finally no one would notice I was all of a sudden more talkative. Didn't matter... I never drew a red card.

* Got to frolic afterhours at Disneyland. Yes, odd though it seems, this has been a longtime fantasy of mine. And Mike made it come true. We hit the Matterhorn, Haunted Mansion, the railroad, and Star Tours. Maybe next time we'll ransack Space Mountain cause I hope there's a sequel!

* Learned new games! Chrononauts is less intimidating than I had thought (and like Steve said, I dind't have to learn an iota of American History!). Xanth the Boardgame is basically Snit's Revenge crossed with Talisman, but has some neat facets like double ended cards. Hex Hex is a lotta fun, though once the cards have been run through a few times, the game seems repetetive (need to buy a double size deck). D&D minis look cool, but I didn't get to play an actual game. SNL Trivia is basically an experiment in hitting your head saying "oh! oh! that was a freakin funny sketch, but I cannot remember for the life of me who the guest star was or what color shirt he was wearing during the monologue". I played Songburst before, but apparently with the WRONG RULES (it's a lot more fun now). ALso, learned quite a few games from Morgan's outdoor challenges... I say once again, those are hella fun.

* Wish I had had enough energy left to play in BurgerMeister. I know I would have gotten a kick out of being on that fry line. I've been a Line Sup before and it's crazy but fun.

* Cleaned my house finally! Of course, that's something I did *before* the con, but it's something I would certianly not have done if *not* for the con. And oh, it feels nice to have a clean house.

* Didn't hold a Relax-o-Rama, but got to enjoy some of the elements of one anyway. Basically, I like sitting with people in the middle of a con and just chatting. Talked with my friend's new wife and found out she totally agrees with me about how cool it is seeing other sides of people when they game. And really, that's why I hold MaxiCon. I like seeing how people deal with things like close quarters, communal arrangements, joint food stores, clean-up, mornings!!!, crash spaces, gluts of humanity, winning, losing, cooking, and especially... meeting new people. I sort of held my own Relax-o-Rama this year by playing in fewer games and experienceing more of the con.

* Brought my disparate groups of friends together over gaming. Improv writers, actors, coworkers from Princess, family and high school friends. If you didn't recognize someone and they looked pretty tipsy, they were from my Hollywood crew. Otherwise they were family. Unless they had little rugrats in which case they were high school friends all grown up.

* Got to lift 16 people through a giant cube. Got to flip them upside down while they held a glass of water. Got to tap them on their heads to make them pick up cards. Got to throw squish balls at them. Got to run at them full speed trusting that they would get out of the way at the last moment. Got to strut my stuff and wave my ass a them in cursive. And then rescue a giant rubber chicken to save Earth.

* Witnessed the final demise of my third set of DDR pads. Time to go metallic!

* Actually drank liquids other than beer at a party. And I think my stomach is much happier for it. I think it's what allowed me to get by on less than 6 hours of sleep for the weekend.

* Ended the weekend with a game of FALLING. As is my wont. I am complete.

Referring to the flat, somewhat crunchy (still), yellow, EX-ping pong ball I found on my tennis table. A small price to pay for a weekend of friends and fun.

Total body count: ~75
Carpet coloration: normal wear and tear (thank goodness)
Furniture KIA: 1 footstool (we hated it anyway)
Overnight max corpse count: 12
Food intaken: in the tonnage range
Alcohol: two garbage cans full of bottles
Tentacle count: 6 large, one monstrous
Ping pong balls left: 1 out of 7 (most are MIA)
Longest stay: 53 hours (Dan)
Shortest: 1 hour (actor from IOWest)
Leftover crap: sweats, toy guns, dice, pillow (the usual)
Total sleep for me: 6 hours

That was a great weekend. I learned some new games (HexHex, Chrononauts, Xanth); learned that one empty soup bowl upstairs can bring a complete phalanx of ants; and learned that even with a PG rating, tentacle porn will out of necessity become NC-17.

Also, leftover Jambalaya ingredients make a damn fine morning-after skillet surprise (thanks to Steve... Greg, you should show up on his doorstep tomorrow morning with a bag of eggs, brocoli and cheese).