Noise in the Shape of Writing

I never used to read the Lampoon. When I was of a Mad Magazine readin age, the Lampoon was just a bit too ironic for me. Yes, I know.. Pat not into the ironic? I was young! Beat heck, even Mad was a bit too pedestrian. I was stuck between pedestrian and ironic, so I turned to making my own magazines (fanzines) at school. Naughty stuff, but that's what 11 year old boys are into. (Makes me fear for my daughter in a year and a half!... oh my god! it's only a year and a half away!)

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that the National Lampoon is sending out scouts or agents or something to tonights Big News show and (ahem) my sketch was chosen as the lead-in sketch for the show. Hell yeah! Could I design Cruise Catalogs by day and write for the Lampoon at night? Hell yeah!

Here's my sketch. Wish me luck tonight.

Hell yeah!

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“Waiting for FEMA”
©2005 Pat Mannion

INT – FEMA AGENCY — DAY

A Katrina Victim and her son approach a claims agent in a FEMA office. Behind them, a number of other sad looking victims line the walls.

KATRINA VICTIM
You be strong, Jason. Everything’s gonna be just fine. The good people at FEMA are going to get us a BETTER house.

JASON
I know, mommy. I trust the federal government.

KATRINA VICTIM
That’s my boy! Oh, It’s our turn –

FEMA AGENT
Hi! Welcome to FEMA ma’am.

KATRINA VICTIM
Thank you. You see, our house in New Orleans was completely –

FEMA AGENT
Excuse me, do you have a number?

KATRINA VICTIM
A what? No you see, we have nothing! It was all washed away and my son –

FEMA AGENT
Well, you just need a number so that we can process you in the right order.

KATRINA VICTIM
But my son has asthma –

FEMA AGENT
Ma’am, we at FEMA care greatly about your plight and offer our utmost condolences. But we ARE running a little behind on staff and resources, so I’ll need you to take a number. There are a few people ahead of you --

KATRINA VICTIM
Okay, thank you!

FEMA AGENT
Very well. (to the room) Mister Johnson?

A bedraggled man steps away from the back wall.

FEMA AGENT
FEMA extends its utmost condolences at your current plight and regrets any suffering caused by (reading) “Hurricane Andrew”.

MR JOHNSON
Thank you. Oh! I can FINALLY get some real food!

KATRINA VICTIM
See, Jason? There are many other people in trouble. We can wait our turn like any other.

JASON
I know momma.

FEMA AGENT
Mrs. O’Leary?

A lady dressed from the 19th century (or just in a dress) approaches.

MRS O’LEARY
Oh, thank you! Thank you for finally addressing our woes! The Great Fire of Chicago took everything we had!

KATRINA VICTIM
I’m sorry. The Chicago fire? Of 1871?

FEMA AGENT
Please, ma’am. (to Mrs. O’Leary) I – I understand, Mrs. O’Leary.

MRS O’LEARY
It wasn’t my fault, you see. The fire just spread like the dickens –

FEMA AGENT
Our utmost condolences at your current plight. Here’s fifty dollars.

MRS O’LEARY
(angry) Fifty dollars! Fifty dollars! (ecstatic) Oh my god! I could buy Chicago!

FEMA AGENT
Yes. Next?

MISS PLYMPTON
Our people were shot mercilessly as the Indians poured out of the Appalachians. They burned Jonestown to the ground. The colony lies in ruin!

FEMA AGENT
(handing over beads or blankets instead of money) Miss Plympton, FEMA cares greatly about –

MISS PLYMPTON
Oh, the heathens! Thank you!

KATRINA VICTIM
Excuse me, sir. I may not be well schooled, but I believe the Jonestown Massacre was almost 400 year ago.

FEMA AGENT
I told you ma’am. We are EXTREMELY understaffed.

A man with smoking hair or a blackened face approaches quickly.

BURNING MAN
The fires that tore through Los Angeles as the molten lava flowed down Wilshire toward that little boy.

FEMA AGENT
We at FEMA understand you’ve been through a lot, sir.

KATRINA VICTIM
That was in a movie. I saw that! That’s not even a real emergency.

FEMA AGENT
Ma’am. You have to wait your turn.

Princess Leia enters.

PRINCESS LEIA
They just blew up our entire planet. Alderaan is NO MORE!

FEMA AGENT
The Empire was just trying to root out insurgents like any good government. Still, we feel your plight.

KATRINA VICTIM
That’s a movie too!

JASON
That was a cool scene! They totally blew that planet up!

KATRINA VICTIM
I demand service! We are a FAMILY without a HOME!

FEMA AGENT
Alright! Unless there’s ANYONE left who needs emergency assistance, I am going to help this lady here and her dying son.

A well-dressed man runs in, out of breath.

MICHAEL BROWN
Excuse me -- my name is Michael Brown. I recently lost my job and I was wondering if you could help me out.

FEMA AGENT
(after a pregnant pause) FEMA offers its utmost condolences and cares greatly about your plight. We can offer you a job in –

(FADE OUT)