Noise in the Shape of Writing

By popular demand, here is the sketch that was vaguely Enigma-related and that was performed on January 29, 2005 for "Happy Ending" at the ImprovOlympic...

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GEEK SEEKS WOMAN
©2005 Pat Mannion


INT – RESTAURANT – DAY

HEATHER and CINDY, two cute, airheaded babes, meet in front of a restaurant booth. Seated at the table is a somewhat nerdy girl, BRENDA.

CINDY
I’m sorry. Perhaps you have the wrong booth. I’m supposed to meet my date here.

HEATHER
No, I’m meeting my date here.

CINDY
(looking at a card)
Nope. Booth 29. Victor.

HEATHER
Wait, Victor? I’m supposed to be meeting a Victor!

CINDY
That can’t be. My dating service arranged a blind date with a gorgeous blonde hunk.

HEATHER
Mine promised me a sexy dreamboat that has a 100 percent compatibility rating!

VICTOR, a 30-something geek in a Star Trek shirt, arrives.

VICTOR
Greetings, cadets.

The girls sit down.

BRENDA
(boldly, but still sheepishly)
Hi Victor!

VICTOR
There is no need for alarm. Your respective online dating services have been hacked — by me — in order to bring you here and scientifically determinine which of the assembled females can successfully complete a covert away mission of strategic platonical allegience with Commander Love.

HEATHER
I think he wants to mate with us.

VICTOR
Assignment number one: Assemble these plastic replicas of the Starship Enterprise — including all decals and airbrushing — in less than 1 minute.

BRENDA digs in immediately.

CINDY
Are you serious?

HEATHER
You’ve GOT to be kidding.

BRENDA’s model is completed already.

VICTOR
Optional task: State the harmonic frequency equation for an inverted dilithium matrix.

BRENDA
The mass of dilithium equals two times the total hyper-metrical quotient!

HEATHER
Look, I came here for a romantic dinner. I didn’t come here to play with your STAR WARS toys…

VICTOR
(taken aback)
Star TREK. Star TREK! Do you see any Death Star lasers on this model? I think NOT!

BRENDA
It’s a Federation Constellation-class starship capable of faster-than-light travel…

VICTOR
Alright, we’ll call it a draw. One point for the two of you.

VICTOR points at the two hot chicks.

VICTOR
Now, your next challenge is simple. During “Deep Space Nine” TV parties at my condo-minium, there is a strict “NO TALKING” rule. Let’s see which of you can go the longest without making a sound. Starting… now!

BRENDA puffs her cheecks and holds her breath. For a moment the room is quiet, but then…

HEATHER
I’m sorry. I think I’ve made a big mistake.

CINDY
Me too!

VICTOR
Ohhh! “TV foul”. 20 STAR DEMERIT points for each of you.

The girls start to get up. Victor moves to intercept, gesturing to his pants.

VICTOR
Would it make any difference if I told you I had a… powerful phaser… and it’s… set to 10! Set to… [smirking] STUN!

BRENDA
Actually, a phaser set to 10 wouldn’t stun. It would most likely produce a 2,000 kilo-joule blast that would kill an average…

VICTOR
Would you shut up, Brenda. I’m trying to put the galactic “make” on these girls!

CINDY
Ughh! Get a life!

HEATHER
We’re outta here!

The two girls begin gathering their belongings as VICTOR pinches both of them on the neck like Mr. Spock — to no effect. BRENDA cocks her neck, hoping for equal treatment.

BRENDA
Oh, do me! Do me!

VICTOR
Security!

The girls start to exit but are barred by two nerd friends of VICTOR wearing red shirts. The nerds are easily pushed to the ground by the girls, who exit.

BRENDA
Hi guys!

He pulls out a cell phone and makes fake spaceship noises while BRENDA waves at his redshirt friends.

VICTOR
Commander’s log, Stardate Fifty-five twenty-five… point… five.

BRENDA
(holds up her cell phone)
You don’t have to call me. I’m right here!

VICTOR
I’m afraid the away mission didn’t quite work out. I’m reporting back for duty at Starbase — [embarrassed] my girlfriend’s apartment — for dinner tonight.

BRENDA
I taped that “Next Generation” marathon for you! All 164 hours!

VICTOR
The creatures on this planet are… cold, uncivilized beasts.

VICTOR walks out the door.

BRENDA
Really! I promise, Victor. I’ll try on the Klingon slave girl costume!


BLACK OUT

Posted by: Pat. / 3:58 PM

I read Charles Kuralt's autobiography-ish thingy ("A Life on the Road") last month and there's a passage that I keep going back to. It's one where he talks about a fantastic trip opportunity he passed on in order pursue his career...

"I have had few regrets. One of them has to do with an invitation from a Minnesota north woodsman named Bill McGee. I had done a story about him, and over the camp fire that night Bill McGee invited me to take a canoe trip with him the next summer. He said he would like to go on one more long trip while he could still carry a canoe. Bill McGee told me that he would take me to lakes that few have ever seen. "I'd like to see them one more time myself," he said. I asked how long we would be gone. "Oh, six weeks -- eight at the most," Bill said. "We'll leave on the Fourth of July and be back by the end of August." I knew I was too busy to take that much time off of work, but to be polite I told Bill McGee I would think about it. During that winter, Bill would write to me, reminding me of the trip and his offer. But I never wrote back.
A year or two later, Bill's wife, Lucille, wrote me telling me that Bill had died. I wish with all my heart that I had made that long canoe trip with Bill McGee. I can't remember what I was doing from the Fourth of July to the end of August the summer he wanted to go fishing every night, listen to the loons, and see those distant lakes one more time. What could I have been doing that would have been better than that?" -- Charles Kuralt, A Life on the Road

Sometimes I feel like I am going through every day doing things that I wont remember in a week, let alone a year. I would love to be able to say "I know EXACTLY what I was doing that was better than (or at least as good as) that." I'd like to fill every week with at least a handful of things that, while I may not remember, I will at least be able to say with honesty "Whatever it was, I am sure it was not a waste of time."

What an intruiging little story.

4 complete bastards. Jude Law, Julia Roberts, Clive Owen and Natalie Portman.
Within a few scenes, you begin to understand them, fall in love with them, and then learn to hate them uttlerly.

They bitch, they connive, they cajole, they drink lots of tea and Guinness, they screw and they write dirty little instant messages to each other.

How techie! How British!

Julia Roberts is wasted, IMO (gasp! did I just say that? -- no, not the internet shorthand.. which I never use.. and you did't just see) Yes, Julia sits and whimpers and pines and kisses. All well and good, but the others are given lines to wrap their chiseled, European jowls around and she just gets to sit pretty.

Natalie does cartwheels in stripper gowns, Jude pouts behind his sexy little German glasses, Clive says words his mother should have washed out long ago... in fact, the whole moive could rate a brusque PG-13 if it weren't for the dialogue... I don't recall a single on-screen sex scene.

All in all, way better then the over-rated Million $ Baby. A movie that comes out punching and feinting and then ends up in the corner... of a different ring... at a different sporting event entirely... in an completely separate movie. If it weren't for the sleep-inducing hackney-puck of a directing style, it might have kept my attention to the end... but after the twist... it goes to nowhere but predictability land.. Eastwood style.