Noise in the Shape of Writing

By popular demand, here is the sketch that was vaguely Enigma-related and that was performed on January 29, 2005 for "Happy Ending" at the ImprovOlympic...

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GEEK SEEKS WOMAN
©2005 Pat Mannion


INT – RESTAURANT – DAY

HEATHER and CINDY, two cute, airheaded babes, meet in front of a restaurant booth. Seated at the table is a somewhat nerdy girl, BRENDA.

CINDY
I’m sorry. Perhaps you have the wrong booth. I’m supposed to meet my date here.

HEATHER
No, I’m meeting my date here.

CINDY
(looking at a card)
Nope. Booth 29. Victor.

HEATHER
Wait, Victor? I’m supposed to be meeting a Victor!

CINDY
That can’t be. My dating service arranged a blind date with a gorgeous blonde hunk.

HEATHER
Mine promised me a sexy dreamboat that has a 100 percent compatibility rating!

VICTOR, a 30-something geek in a Star Trek shirt, arrives.

VICTOR
Greetings, cadets.

The girls sit down.

BRENDA
(boldly, but still sheepishly)
Hi Victor!

VICTOR
There is no need for alarm. Your respective online dating services have been hacked — by me — in order to bring you here and scientifically determinine which of the assembled females can successfully complete a covert away mission of strategic platonical allegience with Commander Love.

HEATHER
I think he wants to mate with us.

VICTOR
Assignment number one: Assemble these plastic replicas of the Starship Enterprise — including all decals and airbrushing — in less than 1 minute.

BRENDA digs in immediately.

CINDY
Are you serious?

HEATHER
You’ve GOT to be kidding.

BRENDA’s model is completed already.

VICTOR
Optional task: State the harmonic frequency equation for an inverted dilithium matrix.

BRENDA
The mass of dilithium equals two times the total hyper-metrical quotient!

HEATHER
Look, I came here for a romantic dinner. I didn’t come here to play with your STAR WARS toys…

VICTOR
(taken aback)
Star TREK. Star TREK! Do you see any Death Star lasers on this model? I think NOT!

BRENDA
It’s a Federation Constellation-class starship capable of faster-than-light travel…

VICTOR
Alright, we’ll call it a draw. One point for the two of you.

VICTOR points at the two hot chicks.

VICTOR
Now, your next challenge is simple. During “Deep Space Nine” TV parties at my condo-minium, there is a strict “NO TALKING” rule. Let’s see which of you can go the longest without making a sound. Starting… now!

BRENDA puffs her cheecks and holds her breath. For a moment the room is quiet, but then…

HEATHER
I’m sorry. I think I’ve made a big mistake.

CINDY
Me too!

VICTOR
Ohhh! “TV foul”. 20 STAR DEMERIT points for each of you.

The girls start to get up. Victor moves to intercept, gesturing to his pants.

VICTOR
Would it make any difference if I told you I had a… powerful phaser… and it’s… set to 10! Set to… [smirking] STUN!

BRENDA
Actually, a phaser set to 10 wouldn’t stun. It would most likely produce a 2,000 kilo-joule blast that would kill an average…

VICTOR
Would you shut up, Brenda. I’m trying to put the galactic “make” on these girls!

CINDY
Ughh! Get a life!

HEATHER
We’re outta here!

The two girls begin gathering their belongings as VICTOR pinches both of them on the neck like Mr. Spock — to no effect. BRENDA cocks her neck, hoping for equal treatment.

BRENDA
Oh, do me! Do me!

VICTOR
Security!

The girls start to exit but are barred by two nerd friends of VICTOR wearing red shirts. The nerds are easily pushed to the ground by the girls, who exit.

BRENDA
Hi guys!

He pulls out a cell phone and makes fake spaceship noises while BRENDA waves at his redshirt friends.

VICTOR
Commander’s log, Stardate Fifty-five twenty-five… point… five.

BRENDA
(holds up her cell phone)
You don’t have to call me. I’m right here!

VICTOR
I’m afraid the away mission didn’t quite work out. I’m reporting back for duty at Starbase — [embarrassed] my girlfriend’s apartment — for dinner tonight.

BRENDA
I taped that “Next Generation” marathon for you! All 164 hours!

VICTOR
The creatures on this planet are… cold, uncivilized beasts.

VICTOR walks out the door.

BRENDA
Really! I promise, Victor. I’ll try on the Klingon slave girl costume!


BLACK OUT

Posted by: Pat. / 3:58 PM