Noise in the Shape of Writing

Here's a wierd one. Maybe someone knows the answer. Why does simply getting into my swimming pool make me super sleepy within hours? It never fails. Even if I just get in for a dip... no swimming, no underwater jumping jacks, no water fights.

Is it the chlorine? It isn't the sun cause I am in it after sundown. And it's not "cause it's after sundown... you're getting tired by then, for pete's sake" cause it's truly like night and day how much sleepier I am earlier in the evening after a dip.

I am thinking it's the chlorine.

I will test this by ingesting chlorine tablets instead of swimming.

How nice it is to be back on the green slate.
Oh how I love saying "20-3, game point". Funny thing is, I was not expecting to be pleasantly surprised by a $99 ping pong table from Big 5. That table could not be any thinner. And those instructions couldn't be any more tedious. But sure enough -- once built-- it's a beauty! I suppose an inch think table (mine is half inch) would better survive 8-year olds crawling on top of it to retreive stuck balls. I don't think mine will survive too many more rugrat sleepovers.

Playing table tennis reminds me of Thanksgiving. Playing for hours with the keg of coors light no more than an arm's reach from the court at all times. (and no, coors light was not MY choice) Thanksgiving = family reunions = beer + ping pong.

And I don't really mind serving up a nasty slice to the cross court while tasting imaginary beer in my mouth.

Fewer hangovers. Better serves.

Funny thing. I wrote a sketch about Three's Company, but with the "number" three instead of Jack Tripper. As in, a guy with a 3 on his... hell, I'll just past e the dang thing here...

(but first, the reason I brought this up: after submitting the sketch on Monday, some people on the forum for the sketch show started quoting lines from the song back n forth, unaware that I had just written a sketch about that sitcom. Ah, the look on their faces when they saw it in the show the next day)

(also, big up and thanks to Ian, Colleenky, Aaron, Kirsten, Catherine and John for coming to see the show! You braved the horrors of Hollywood parking and for that you deserve a purple star!)

- - - - - - - -

“$3’s Company”
(c) 2005 Pat Mannion

INT – CHRISSY & JANET’S APARTMENT — DAY

Janet makes dinner while Chrissy reads a magazine. A guy with a big number “3” taped to his chest rings the doorbell.

[SFX] Ding dong.

JANET
Could you get that Chrissy? It’s probably someone here to rent the room.

CRISSY
I’d be happy to, Janet.

Chrissy steps offstage for a moment.

JANET
Well, who is it?

CRISSY
[returning] It’s the Number 3. He says that due to our [ahem] “wantonly colonial Middle East policies and flagrant disregard for the environment” we can expect to be seeing a lot more of him at the pump.

JANET
Huh.

CRISSY
Oh, and he wants to sleep with us.

The theme from “Three’s Company” breaks in immediately as The Number 3 comedically chasses the girls to the edge of the stage.

[song] Come and knock on our door...
We've been waiting for you...
Where the kisses are hers and hers and his,
Three's company too!

Cold cut back to the scene. Mr. Roper is eavesdropping on his
tenants. Number 3 is filling the girls’ gas tank.

HELEN ROPER
Stanley! What are you doing with that glass?

STANLEY ROPER
Would you keep quiet? That Number 3 is in there with the girls and I just KNOW they’re up to something.

NUMBER 3
[sexy] First you need to POP open your tank.

CHRISSY
Like this?

Roper makes the first of many shocked faces.

NUMBER 3
Uh huh. Now, I’m gonna ease it in ALL the way!

JANET
Oh! Is this going to hurt?

NUMBER 3
More than you can possibly imagine, girls. Now get ready cause I’m gonna start PUMPING!

Music returns. Helen faints, Stanley mugs to the camera and Chrissy and Janet throw money at Number 3 as he pumps away.

((awesome line added by James, as Mr Roper, during performance: "And to think, I always thought he was...[makes "gay" gesture with hand]" ))

[song] Come and dance on our floor...
Take a step that is new...
We've a loveable space that needs your face,
Three's company too!

Numbers 3 and 2 enter a bar and approach a Floozy.

NUMBER 3
I don’t know, Number 2 [smacks Number 2 on his number] Gettin’ some action’s not as easy as it used to be. This ain’t the Regal Beagle.

NUMBER 2
Nonsense. Let me work my charm. [to Floozy] Hey good lookin. Is that a V8 under your hood or are you just happy to see a pre-war level non-inflation-adjusted gas price?

FLOOZY
You kidding? I drive an SUV. Getting reamed at the pump is better then sex!

Music returns. The Floozy rubs up against Number 3, who does John
Ritter’s classic “sexually embarrassed” stomach convulsions. Entire cast re-enters.

[song] You'll see that life is a frolic
and laughter is calling for you...
Down at our rendez-vous...

NUMBER 4
Hey, I’m here about the room!

[song] Three's company, too!!!

BLACKOUT

Easy come easy go. My 20 year record of no traffic collisions comes to an end! Damn you, 101! Not so much shaken from the experience, though, as I am just... grrr... mad that I can't say "Woo hoo! Perfect record!" And heck, the incident back in 86 was in my parents' car so that doesn't really count anyway, plus I maintain that that one was also not my fault (ask Shawn, he was in the passenger seat).

Also, discovered a show on FX that is actually good. Who'd have thought. It's got this ridiculously long title ( "It's always suny in Philadelphia"). And it guest starred my friend Artemis this week, so it's got that going. It's crude, petty, and somewhat arbitrary in it's character arcs -- like a Fraser episode pieced together on post-it notes a minute before filming -- but the actors, being nobodies, give it a cool nobody charm. It's all about the reactions shots... Like a wise man once said "dark comedy is much funnier when you see others react to it". Y'know, it sounds less pithy in writing.

Hey, I almost forgot about the car thingy! Almost.

After a adventursome stint in the courtroom graphics field, I am moving on to something a little more in line with the Pat you all know. On Monday Aug 15, I will start work with Princess Cruises here in the town where I live. No more 3 hour commute. No more wearing ties and speaking law-speak. Just corporate marketing and BETTER VACATIONS! Woo hoo!

More later. I have to go put on my suit for one last week.