Noise in the Shape of Writing

Funny thing. I wrote a sketch about Three's Company, but with the "number" three instead of Jack Tripper. As in, a guy with a 3 on his... hell, I'll just past e the dang thing here...

(but first, the reason I brought this up: after submitting the sketch on Monday, some people on the forum for the sketch show started quoting lines from the song back n forth, unaware that I had just written a sketch about that sitcom. Ah, the look on their faces when they saw it in the show the next day)

(also, big up and thanks to Ian, Colleenky, Aaron, Kirsten, Catherine and John for coming to see the show! You braved the horrors of Hollywood parking and for that you deserve a purple star!)

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“$3’s Company”
(c) 2005 Pat Mannion

INT – CHRISSY & JANET’S APARTMENT — DAY

Janet makes dinner while Chrissy reads a magazine. A guy with a big number “3” taped to his chest rings the doorbell.

[SFX] Ding dong.

JANET
Could you get that Chrissy? It’s probably someone here to rent the room.

CRISSY
I’d be happy to, Janet.

Chrissy steps offstage for a moment.

JANET
Well, who is it?

CRISSY
[returning] It’s the Number 3. He says that due to our [ahem] “wantonly colonial Middle East policies and flagrant disregard for the environment” we can expect to be seeing a lot more of him at the pump.

JANET
Huh.

CRISSY
Oh, and he wants to sleep with us.

The theme from “Three’s Company” breaks in immediately as The Number 3 comedically chasses the girls to the edge of the stage.

[song] Come and knock on our door...
We've been waiting for you...
Where the kisses are hers and hers and his,
Three's company too!

Cold cut back to the scene. Mr. Roper is eavesdropping on his
tenants. Number 3 is filling the girls’ gas tank.

HELEN ROPER
Stanley! What are you doing with that glass?

STANLEY ROPER
Would you keep quiet? That Number 3 is in there with the girls and I just KNOW they’re up to something.

NUMBER 3
[sexy] First you need to POP open your tank.

CHRISSY
Like this?

Roper makes the first of many shocked faces.

NUMBER 3
Uh huh. Now, I’m gonna ease it in ALL the way!

JANET
Oh! Is this going to hurt?

NUMBER 3
More than you can possibly imagine, girls. Now get ready cause I’m gonna start PUMPING!

Music returns. Helen faints, Stanley mugs to the camera and Chrissy and Janet throw money at Number 3 as he pumps away.

((awesome line added by James, as Mr Roper, during performance: "And to think, I always thought he was...[makes "gay" gesture with hand]" ))

[song] Come and dance on our floor...
Take a step that is new...
We've a loveable space that needs your face,
Three's company too!

Numbers 3 and 2 enter a bar and approach a Floozy.

NUMBER 3
I don’t know, Number 2 [smacks Number 2 on his number] Gettin’ some action’s not as easy as it used to be. This ain’t the Regal Beagle.

NUMBER 2
Nonsense. Let me work my charm. [to Floozy] Hey good lookin. Is that a V8 under your hood or are you just happy to see a pre-war level non-inflation-adjusted gas price?

FLOOZY
You kidding? I drive an SUV. Getting reamed at the pump is better then sex!

Music returns. The Floozy rubs up against Number 3, who does John
Ritter’s classic “sexually embarrassed” stomach convulsions. Entire cast re-enters.

[song] You'll see that life is a frolic
and laughter is calling for you...
Down at our rendez-vous...

NUMBER 4
Hey, I’m here about the room!

[song] Three's company, too!!!

BLACKOUT