Noise in the Shape of Writing

Thought I'd have some fun at Dan Brown's expense, not that he would mind the vast, priceless publicity that a no-name sketch author bringing a 3 minute spoof in front of an audience of 25 at an off-the-map comedy joint in Hollywood might bring him:

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Da New Testament Code
By Pat Mannion

The four apostles and God himself -- shuffle in as show emcee Michael intros the sketch.

Michael
Last week, world-reknowned author and biblical gadfly Dan Brown had his day in court as the plagiarism case against his “DaVinci Code” began in London. Pardon my set arranging here – there, I think that’s about right for Pontius Pilate’s courtroom. Plenty of room for apostle robes. Anyway, the authors of an earlier book, “Holy Blood and the Holy Grail”, say Brown ripped his entire mega-best-seller off from them. But we think the problem has it’s roots – a little further back in time –

Michael exits.

Bailiff
In the case of the almighty God, author of the Old Testament, versus the four apostles, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, will the parties please rise before the honorable judge Pontius Pilate.

The Apostles rise first, accompanied by an angelic keyboard chord, followed by God rising to an even louder/better chord.

Bailif
Pontius?

Judge Judy
Pontius couldn’t make it today. I’m the Judge of Judaism. You can call me Judge Judy for short. [beat for reactions] You may be seated. Now, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John – lets see here – you are accused by the plaintiff – hey, God.

God
Hey.

Judge Judy
Of writing a book – the, uh, New Testament – which is based upon licensed and copywritten characters and elements taken from the plaintiff’s book, the – let’s see – Old Testament.

Mark
How is this even possible. We haven’t even written this New Testament yet.

Luke
We haven’t even decided on a name for it!

Bailiff hands Judy a book.

Judge Judy
Well, I have it right here. It’s sort of an “Advance Copy”. [winking at God] And it clearly has a strong resemblance to the plaintiff’s work.

John
Come on. We’ve had a rough day – what with the crucifiction and all?

Judge judy
Ch ch ch!!!

Matthew
Yeah, give us a break, our Messiah just died!

Judge Judy
Ch ch ch! Shush!! Who’s this Messiah? Huh? I went to Judaism school and I’ve never heard of him!

God
It’s my son, Judge Judy. He kind of decided to die for their sins. ALL their sins, of which there are quite a lot.

Luke
Jesus!

Judge Judy
Are you calling your first witness? Do we need to make him rise?

Matthew
Thanks, Judge. Rub it in!

God
That reminds me. I have a temporary restraining order rejoining them from a certain “blockbuster” event they have in a couple weeks --

Judge Judy
Oh really.

John
Hey, you’re not supposed to know about that!

God
A sort of “opening” if you will. Over at the cave?

Matthew
What? What’s he talking about?

John
Well, I wasn’t going to tell you until after the “release party”, but – he’s arising from the grave in two weeks.

Matthew/Luke/Mark
Oh my god!

God
Hey!

Matthew/Luke/Mark/John
Sorry, God!

This begins a brief round of “Sorry, God” “Jesus” “Sorry, Jesus” “God!” “Sorry, God” “Damn!” “Oops, sorry”, until Judge Judy breaks it up.

Judge Judy
Tut tut tut! – Tut! [beat] It’s pretty clear there’s a lot of animosity between the two parties.

Luke
Look, your honor. Either the Old Testament was a piece of fiction and we plagiarized, OR it’s non-fiction in which case our New Testament is based on existing biblical history and thus can not in any way be a derivative work.

Judge Judy
Luke makes a good point. God? Are the events put forth in the Old Testament based on fact or fiction?

God looks very uncomfortable. He adjusts his collar.

God
If I say it was based on fact, then their book is not derivative and I no longer have a case. But if I say it’s fiction, then I’m admitting I made it up and none of it – none of any of this – actually exists.

Everyone looks nervous now. Everyone adjusts their collars.

Judge Judy
I move for a permanent continuance.

All
Hooray!

God
I’ve got the new Apprentice on TIVO!


BLACKOUT